I have not blogged in a very long time… A little more than six months if I look back! Oh, I have sat down many times to write my thoughts out, share some photos of life lately, and keep my online journal going that I have had for many years now. But every time I sat down, I felt blank. I’m not really sure why because I share a lot of my life on Instagram and love connecting with people on anything from deep thoughts to fun moments from the day. I always liked blogging for the chance to elaborate on sentiments that I would thought or would only share bits of on social media, but I think since becoming a mom I’ve chosen a single space to go deeper and that’s been Instagram. Perhaps that’s tapped my creativity a bit. At any rate, I wanted to try to write things out, so instead of sitting down and getting my fingers moving, I am moving my legs as I pace throughout the basement as Abigail sleeps and Mike watches the hockey game upstairs. Maybe I can make some sense out of the thoughts that have been rolling through my head over the past few months since I came back to this space.
Let’s start with those 3 M’s, shall we? Movement! Lately, I have really been enjoying moving my body. As I reflect back over the last year and a half, my movement has ebbed and flowed in different ways depending on my energy levels, commitment levels, and my own body’s capability. I think back to those early postpartum days where I wondered, without worry but much curiosity, if I would ever even want to return to exercise and what that meant for my job as a personal trainer! I sure took the idea of rest seriously but it wasn’t long before I started walking, which led to bodyweight movements and eventually some light gym workouts. As I learned more about my body post-pregnancy and birth, I realized that nothing was as straightforward as I thought and began physio for my pelvic floor. Now at 18 months postpartum, I’m excited to book a follow up appointment and see how things are going; I’ve learned so much along the way and even got a certification in post-natal fitness so that I could more appropriately coach moms! I still have my prolapse and it comes and goes with intensity throughout the month and with my cycle, but I’ve learned how to adapt and manage it and I’m now getting back into high intensity workouts and loving them! I look forward to weekly bouldering sessions at Bolder every Tuesday morning (local? Come join me! A free coffee if you bring your kid + $10 drop-in before 1 pm!).
Mikey and I joined Street Parking and I have truly been loving the short, all-out workouts – even with modifications that I might make due to my prolapse – and finally purchased a pair of 25 pound dumbbells for greater challenge and at-home use. Bodies heal! And I’m so grateful for that.
Furthermore, two of my clients and I signed up as a team to compete in FemSport in late June! This will be my first competition postpartum and my first competition of any sort besides a race pretty much ever! I’m excited to do some heavy kettle bell carries, box jumps, tire flips and pulls, and be part of an awesome community all while doing it! So the movement is there, it’s happening.
But movement can mean many things. I am constantly aware of how I want to be moving in my life – towards change, towards growth, towards adventure, towards Jesus and away from myself. I recently heard on the podcast how motherhood means sacrifices and being selfless, and the podcast host baulked at this and said that whenever she hears the word “selfless,” she immediately tenses up because she doesn’t think we should be sacrificing… She doesn’t want mom’s to lose themselves and become selfless. I kind of knew what she meant, but it really hit me hard because I do want to be selfless! And motherhood has to be selfless; you can’t always eat when you want, take time for yourself, speed up your toddler when they’re learning something… These are small examples but the list goes on. My time and focus and self will never be the same. But that’s okay with me! Because what a example of focusing on someone else’s needs before your own and in so doing, learning to be more like Jesus! I don’t think this means losing your identity in the process, but rather discovering a deeper level of who you were created to be! So, in a sense, it’s more movement toward who God made me to be while I focus on moving to be more like him. Does that make sense? Maybe it resonates with you, maybe not, but I am enjoying this process of deeper discovery and cannot deny that motherhood has changed and shaped me, and I am so, so grateful for it…
So there is physical movement happening, not only for my own body, but for Abigail‘s body as well! She is walking, climbing, balancing on one leg, squeezing her plump little fists when she gets frustrated and clapping her hands and smiling with her eyes when she’s excited.
18 months old… What a fun and interactive stage, not without its semi-tantrums as she learns to test the waters, but extremely fun and knew all the time nonetheless! And there is a movement in my heart: towards pursuing Jesus more fully, learning to pick up and love God’s Word again. There is movement and desiring to pursue adventure with our family, other moms and their kids, and as an individual without kid or husband as well. There is movement towards getting comfortable in the uncomfortable, sharing my story, and listening well to others.
Which all means momentum. If feels like a time of momentum as I am in the groove with training my clients, enjoying Abigail and continuing to be grateful for the chance to be a mother, moving into spring and new seasons. I even chopped my dreads off after 11 years! I was pretty attached to them, and used to have dreams – nightmares! – about losing my dreadlocks, but one day I woke up and just decided they were finished and I was ready for a change.
We are now officially weaned, and while we both loved breast-feeding so much, there was something in me that felt like it was time to be done and we gradually nursed less and less until one day I stopped offering it. It’s bittersweet, and in the back of my mind I wonder if we will be able to have more kids and if I should’ve kept it going, but there was something that felt like the right time and so I listen to it and went with my gut. I’m learning to do this more often and grateful for intuition and guide from the Holy Spirit as I keep walking and living with intention and momentum.
I hope this update finds you well, but if it doesn’t, I pray that you have the support you need and love around you to walk through whatever hard thing you’re walking through. Always feel free to reach out if you have any prayer requests; I would love to hear from you! And for lots more of sweet Abigail Nahanni, you can always follow me on Instagram!
Live well & be well,