Hey guys! Well, it’s just about Friday and I hope you’re ready for the weekend! There are so many neat things happening at this time of the year – I’m looking forward to a night in with Mikey Friday, our friends’ Christmas party on Saturday, and church on Sunday among other Christmas-y events. I wanted to share a little life update as to what this week has been like as well as some recent updates just in general because it’s been a while since I blogged.
I’m kind of an open book and tend to share most things with most people. When Mikey and I first got married we shared our cancer journey on a blog and have been very open about the ups and downs, which has led to many neat opportunities to share our story over the years. Everyone processes differently and has different comfort levels with sharing their story, but I find it’s always helped me to share mine. As Mikey and my story has moved on from cancer in many ways, we’ve been wanting to grow our family, which I’ve blogged about on here. I always imagined that one day I’d reveal we were pregnant with a fun announcement – maybe something fitness-y or outdoors-y and surely involving a pair of tiny hiking boots or little set of dumbbells. But, as I’m learning more about my body and my uterus and discovering this process isn’t a short one for us, I’m sharing more of my story – so it probably won’t be a surprise if at some point we do conceive! I’m also learning to be sensitive to the sharing of this news, as it really is tough to watch others get pregnant. While my heart rejoices with them, my emotions don’t always match this, so it makes me want to be mindful of how I am with good and bad news moving forward!
(my new-ish little niece before they left Canada! Fun soaking time up with these guys while they were here)
I was able to have my appointment with a gynaecologist in High River last week, and that was good! And while I did learn a bit more about what having a septate uterus means, I also discovered that there’s a big range of what that could look like, and my first ultrasound really wasn’t detailed enough to give him any information. So I left knowing that I’ll wait again until I can get another more intentional ultrasound to explore what my body looks like. This was kind of discouraging; it felt like I drove 45 minutes away in a snow storm to not really learn anything new or have any questions answered, but it’s the next step in the process.
What complicated matters further was that I was 12 days late, which was both exciting (baby?!) and a bit scary (knowing that I’m at a higher risk of complications and miscarriage due to my uterus). When I finally let myself believe I was maybe pregnant, I started my period, or rather, had what I think was an early miscarriage. The first few days of the week were rough – a lot of tears and emotions that were more than I ever expected I’d experience. The ups and downs of this journey have been harder than I expected, especially never having been a “baby person” or someone who KNEW without a doubt that I wanted to be a mom. I went from nervous anticipation to a big let down, major emotional rollercoaster and barely got through my clients – it’s tough to be pumped up and positive when your heart isn’t there! But I’m honest with my clients, too, mainly because I can’t hide anything and wear my emotions on my sleeve! …I think my puffy eyes gave me away to my early morning client, Keith, but without going into details said it was a tough week. 😉
And now… I’m sick. I’m on the couch trying to relax but my head is pounding. Just a really bad cold (many around me have had this recently!) and I think the stress of this week made my body just crash. Thankfully I have awesome clients, I sent out emails with workouts for them to do today, and they wished me well! I also have an amazing community around me who are praying for me and encouraging me and I’m so grateful for them!
I think it’s hard to describe when/if you haven’t experienced a wait like this; the let down each month, the eagerness and then dash of hopes. I know we can still have kids, and I’m grateful for that! But I’m back in the waiting zone again with our next steps, and it makes me want to go away and travel. To be real, I don’t feel like being around at Christmas, and every place I look there are pregnancy announcements; maybe a break and change of scenery would be good!
So… I just thought I’d let you know where I’m at. My emotions and sense of rest and deep joy in God are most definitely there! But Monday and Tuesday were pretty rough and I really let myself feel the sadness. It’s a hard place to be, and now I feel like just taking a break from all of this, but I have so much support from my family and friends, so my heart feels very full! I think it’s best to be totally honest about the emotions and ups and downs and know that many of you readers have experienced miscarriages or disappointments in the family-making area of life and in other aspects of life; we all feel disappointment! So thanks for letting me process and share! I’m hoping to kick this bug as we have some fun Christmas events this weekend that I’d love to participate in with friends.
In other news…Tis the season for Samaritan’s Purse ShoeBox packing!
I’ve been enjoying my workouts:
And taking walks in our wintry wonderland:
And truly feeling like my life is full of meaning and purpose – how neat that God has given that gift to me to see and believe in Him! I shared this excerpt on Facebook and thought I’d share it here from a book I’ve been reading, “Your God is Too Small” by J.B. Phillips as he writes in this section about our often wrong view of God as a “perennial disappointment:”
“What has usually happened to such people is that they have set up in their minds what they think God ought or ought not to do, and when He apparently fails to toe their particular line they feel a sense of grievance. Yet it is surely more sensible, as well as more fitting, for us human beings to find out, as far as we can, the ways in which God works. We have to discover as far as we can the limits He has set Himself for the purposes of this Great Experiment that we call Life – and then do our best to align ourselves with the principles and co-operate with the purposes that we certainly had no say in deciding, but which nevertheless in our highest moments we know are good. God will inevitably appear to disappoint the man who is attempting to use Him as a convenience, a prop, or a comfort, for his own plans. God has never been known to disappoint the man who is sincerely wanting to co-operate with His own purposes.”
It’s a tough read, but a mind-blower when you let it sink in… God’s will, not mine, be done in all areas of life! A great challenge and encouragement to not be a needy, moody, complaining Christian. 🙌🏼 Grateful for this tiny but challenging book and looking for God’s true plans and character daily – I want to enter into what He wants for me, not bend Him to fit my desires. And who knows what that might look like; that unknown element has always excited rather than terrified me.
So… Share with me about some of your disappointments; leave me with something that has boosted your heart lately! The good, the bad, the ups, the downs – all are important to recognize and I want to walk through life however I can honestly and with you all. Thanks for reading, and have a great weekend. Live well & be well,
(Posting this – a failed jumping pic in the locker room with my puffy eyes from crying – to show joy in the midst of pain! It’s okay to hold both pain and joy at once. I have so much to smile about, and movement + jumping always makes me smile. Plus, the lighting makes my muscles look pretty good.) 😉